20 and 21 Weeks and some ponderings

 20 Weeks old

 21 Weeks old. We started solid foods this month. Agnes wanted nothing to do with rice cereal at first. She HATED it! She decided that pears were much much better the next day when we tried those. I've enjoyed making baby food and freezing it. It makes me feel as happy to see a freezer full of healthy food I made for my cutie as it did to see a freezer full of pumped milk.

Don't these two have great eyes? They have Cory's eyes which is one of the first things I noticed about him when I met him. His striking green eyes.

Jeffrey has been anticipating Cory's return with a lot of anxiety. He can't wait for him to come but because we have to be patient he sometimes has a hard time focusing and handling the way he reacts to things. His teacher has noticed as well and asked if things were OK. She has been an amazing teacher and has helped Jeffrey with all of his anxieties and fears and made him really enjoy school. (Though the fire alarm is still a point of great stress, when he thinks it's time for the monthly drill he panics and will occasionally refuse to go to school.) I'm starting to think that he may have some sensory issues (in addition to the aspergers tendencies). He doesn't like certain fabrics or the way things feel and sounds are so frightening to him that they can send him into a full blown meltdown. We carry earplugs wherever we go just in case the situation is too loud or overstimulating for him. It makes me think about things that happened in the past in a new light.

It has been a journey with our little Bean so far. I can't tell you how many times I have had a sudden inspiration that has helped Jeffrey or calmed him that is nothing I could have ever have figured out on my own without help from the Lord. When I figured out that his tantrums were more than just acting out, I was able to figure out how to get through them with him and keep my cool. My sister, who has witnessed several full meltdowns, says my demeanor changes and I become more calm. I remember thinking once "Jeffrey doesn't like it when I freak out too, I need to stay calm until he's finished. The more I have thought about it the more I realized it was inspiration from a loving Heavenly Father who knew what I needed to do to help my little son. The other thing I was inspired to do was to have him take a deep breath. I can now tell how close he is to a meltdown by asking him to take a deep breath with me. He even started asking me to help him breathe when he felt like he wanted to calm down. I can't tell you what his future will look like, but I am so thankful that I have the gospel and the companionship of a greater being to help us through the unknown.

A Lot More

So remember in that last entry when I said how I feeling calm when we were talking about having a baby? Well I don't know who knows, it's not a secret, because I didn't go around announcing this little bit of information, but I had postpartum depression with Jeffrey. I went for a year untreated before I realized that feeling horrible and miserable every day wasn't normal. I went to see a doctor and got some help. Honestly it was such a difference. I'm sad to say that I don't remember a lot of the milestones of Jeffrey's first year. It's sad not want to cuddle and hold the sweet little baby you just nurtured for 9 months. It was more than just feeling sad though, I would get frustrated with Jeffrey when he wouldn't stop crying and couldn't make myself be happy. I just was in a haze and was struggling to get by. I had an amazing husband who was understanding and helpful and made sure things got taken care of when I couldn't manage to pull it together.

So in the back of my mind I've always been scared that it could happen again if we had another baby. If you haven't felt those feelings of being disconnected with your own body, you just can't relate. I had been talking to the doctors and talking with other mom's trying to prepare myself for delivery. It didn't work though. Three weeks before baby was born the OB changed the medication I had been taking to one that was more breastfeeding friendly. Sadly it didn't really help me and as soon as my sweet little Agnes was born I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't care if I held her or if someone else did. I dreaded when it was time to feed her because it was painful and I felt frustrated with everything. I had family visiting and I had a hard time talking to them or connecting with them. I made my sweet niece cry one day because I didn't want her to stay with me and hold the baby while the others went on an errand for me. I ended up in sobs of tears too many times to count.

If my angel mother hadn't been here to help me for the first several months I don't know what we would have done. She took care of me and the baby and Jeffrey when I couldn't manage it. She is honestly a saint and I will never be able to repay the kindness and love that she showed me during that sad time. What about those amazing next door neighbors? They opened their house to Jeffrey as a "safe place" he could go when he was starting to feel out of control (Agnes doesn't often bother him, but occasionally he gets frustrated when she is crying a lot or when mommy has to do a lot to take care of her.). He LOVES them! He has adopted them as his family. He asks me occasionally if they are part of our family. I tell him that they are because they are such sweet and welcoming people.

I'm starting to feel better, I know it's partially being on the right kind of medication for me and having someone who can help put things in perspective and the most amazing and supportive husband and family. I'm going to also say that having a husband who will be home in about two weeks doesn't hurt either. But I still have a hard time thinking about the last 5 months because of the sadness it makes me feel. I have wanted to blog about our adventures but haven't felt like it until now. So I'm going to be taking a little time traveling trip and post about things. Be patient with me, I'm a work in progress.

A lot to think about.

I have had a busy year. When I actually stop to think about everything that has happened, it's no wonder that I'm so tired all the time. I need to share some things that have have been percolating for a while in my brain. Things I haven't been able to share because I haven't been able to.

I have had plenty of emotional roller coasters since I was married in 2005. I had a hard time leaving everything I knew and moving to a foreign country. I loved being there and loved being with my new husband, but it was hard. He worked long hours and had long weeks and months in between days off. I often felt alone, I don't make new friends easily. I remember sitting on my bed looking out the window wishing I had someone to talk to. Then we found out we were expecting. I was so excited! I had always wanted to be a mother and I was happy that I had accomplished enough in my life at that point that I felt like a well rounded person and could give the most to my new baby. But I didn't expect to feel so depressed when he was born. I didn't anticipate or know that I would wander around in a zombie-like state for a year before realizing that how I felt wasn't "normal". Postpartum depression sucks. There is no other way to say it (well there actually is, but I don't say those kinds of words).

I began to suspect that there was something different about Jeffrey when he was 2 years old. I know kids go through the terrible twos and I know they all throw tantrums but I just had a gut feeling that his were different. I can't tell you how many times I heard people tell me that all kids acted out, that it was just him asserting his independence and I shouldn't worry. I spent countless hours trying to make him act like other kids. To accept a time out and to sit in the corner until the 2 minutes were over and then have learned his lesson. Then we'd apologize and hug and make up. I didn't expect that I'd have a child who seemed to shut down and become violent and scream for 20 minutes or more but who didn't want me to leave him alone. I wanted to be a mom, but I didn't expect that it would be so hard.

 A year or so later, I was happy with my life, I felt complete and felt like things were getting back on track after a particularly horrible year when Cory was injured in Afghanistan. I was teaching with the dance school in Denver, I was enjoying time with friends and didn't feel like anything needed to change. When Cory and I would sit in the Celestial room in the temple I never felt like anything was missing, there wasn't any other baby waiting up there to join our family. Things were going great. (Insert eye roll.)

Then Cory called with the next bit of life changing news. Fort Riley, Kansas. Yep. Kansas. I had driven through exactly once and felt like that was enough for me. I had no desire to die in a tornado and didn't want to live in a flat prairie. There are NO certified dance schools in Kansas and I knew ONE person in the entire state. But you see, the Lord always knows what's best. In my life, he always has and always will.

After the trip to Colorado, where I broke my foot and had surgery, I came back to Kansas to a husband who was preparing for a year long deployment. I had suspected that Jeffrey was Autistic for some time. One night I was watching the show Parenthood when the boy on the show (who has Asperger's) did something I had seen Jeffrey do before. It was like a light bulb clicked on and things began to make sense, the more I read about Asperger's Syndrome the more things began to click into place. I began asking for help to find out who could help us find out if I was even close to being right. I started looking on his 4th birthday, almost two years later we are still trying to find the right help for him.

In the midst of all of this I was sitting in sacrament meeting when a sister bore her testimony about how she had been an only child growing up and she had longed for a sibling. Right there in that meeting it hit me like a ton of bricks, "It's time to have another baby." I leaned over to Cory and said "I think we better talk about a baby when we get home." On the drive home he said he was 100% on board and had just been waiting for me to on the same page. (sometimes I think the Spirit has to beat me over the head with things...) I knew he would be deployed and that I would be having the baby without him, all while Jeffrey was starting school and dealing with daddy being gone.

We have to back up for a minute for this part of the story. When we were looking at houses in Kansas we had a hard time finding anything we liked. We looked at one house that was just too small and the landlord said, "I have an even better place for you guys," we drove right over to look at it and were impressed with it at once. This was all happening on a Sunday after we had attended stake conference with my friend at her ward so we were still dressed in our Sunday clothes. The next door neighbor girl walked up to us and started talking to us. She bluntly asked why we were in our church clothes, we told her we had just gone to church. She asked where my mom was from and then asked if we were Mormon. (I love my sweet little neighbor's honesty, she says things just like they are but never means to offend anyone.) When we went back in the house the landlord asked what we thought about it. I gave Cory a look that I thought said, "let's go to the hotel and talk about it," but he saw as "get this house quick!" and he said "We'll take it!" At the time I thought he was crazy.

Fast forward again to this spring and summer when it was often over 100 degrees and this pregnant mommy couldn't go outside for more than a few minutes at a time. The neighbors would often be out playing and would let Jeffrey jump right into their games. (I hadn't said anything about him to them even though they knew more about him after two months than I knew in two years.) He had a few instances in church when he would have a "meltdown" and shut down and start screaming or hitting. They would come to my rescue and calm him down without my ever asking for help. I was thankful for them and glad that we had moved next door to them. Little did I know how strongly the hand of the Lord had been guiding us to this exact location.

(That is way more than I wanted to write but I wanted to get it out, stay tuned for part two later.)

 

18 weeks

19 weeks

 16 weeks

17 Weeks

13, 14 & 15 Weeks

 13 weeks

 14 Weeks

15 Weeks old

11 & 12 Weeks

11 Weeks old and Agnes is smiling at people all the time and has started grabbing toys.

12 Weeks old and Agnes loves music! She has a musical mirror in the car that she likes to listen to, if it isn't playing she'll cry until we turn it on.

10 weeks

10 weeks and a visit with Santa!

9 weeks

9 Weeks. At her 2 month appointment she is 11 lbs and 10 oz and is 22.5 inches long. Yay! Baby Girl!

8 weeks

Our 8 week old wee miss!

7 Weeks and the Bus

 Agnes is 7 weeks old this week. She is such a fun baby, though she seems to go from hot to cold pretty quick. One minute she'll be smiling and laughing  (in her newborn way) and then the next she will be screaming like she's never had anything to eat in her life. She will enjoy seeing her cousins for Thanksgiving next week and all the attention and cuddling!

Jeffrey had a big day today. He rode the bus home from school! Now I know that doesn't seem like a huge deal, but he's had to show me that he can be a big kindergartner and go to the art room to wait for his teacher on his own in the mornings. One of his teachers used to meet him at the front of the school and walk him up to class on his own to avoid the chaos of all the kindergartners meeting in the same place. One day he told me he wanted to go and wait with his friend and since then he's been going in with the other kids. Then he said he wanted to ride the bus so we set a goal to go to the art room 5 times on his own to show me he was ready to be dropped off  by the bus at school in the mornings. Today he did it so he got to ride the bus home after school.

Jeffrey has come a long way this year. It has taken a lot of coordinated work from us and his teachers and the others at the school to get to this point. We will be meeting with a psychologist next week to see if the diagnosis of Asperger's is right and then to start working with the district to get his IEP started. We still have things to work on, like his handwriting but I have learned to appreciate every single little victory we have.

6 Weeks

It's hard to believe it's been 6 weeks since sweet little Agnes was born. The time has gone quickly. She's awake more often and loves to interact with us. She has been smiling at us (and not just gas smiles) for a few weeks. She is adorable! We all love her so much!

Happy Halloween!

 Luke Skywalker

 Our Kansas Sunflower

At the school parade on Halloween.

The Peanut

 2 Weeks Old

 3 Weeks Old

 4 Weeks Old

5 Weeks Old

Our Wee Miss

Meet our wee Miss Agnes. She was born on the 25th of September at 4:42 in the afternoon. She weighed 8 pounds and 8 ounces and was 20 inches long. She came after a long day of waiting to a room full of anxious and happy women (thanks Mom and Paige!) and to a daddy who was up late in the MWR in Afghanistan waiting for her announcement.

She was given a name and a blessing this past Sunday the 7th of October so that daddy could do it before he went back to Afghanistan. We blessed her in our home in between conference sessions with the bishop and a few friends and neighbors over to celebrate with.

She was named Agnes after my Dad's mother's Aunt and Louisa after my sweet Gram and my mom. No one guessed it before hand but Aunt Sherri was close guessing the middle name. She is sweet as can be and we all love her so much!

D-Day! (is not until Saturday)

Still no baby, but guess what? I'm OK with that. I'm not really due until Saturday. I am uncomfortable, I can't sleep at night between the waking up to go to the bathroom and the aching hips and back, I can't walk around the store because it feels like my hip joints are jelly and may just fall out, recently my nose has become so stuffed that I can hardly breathe half the time, and I have painful contractions almost every night. But I'm not loosing my mind with impatience.

I have a friend who is two weeks behind me and already trying desperately to have her baby. I saw a girl at the doctor's office who was begging the midwife to give her an earlier c-section date because she was suffering "unbearable heartburn" (Guess what she got? A prescription for Prilosec. HA!). My baby will come when she is ready (or when the doctors decide to evict her at 41 weeks) and so I'm going to be patient and wait for her to be ready.

But there comes a point where a person can only take so much of "no baby yet?" or "just checking to see how you are today?" Makes me want to quit answering the phone or reading texts or going out in public. I promise friends I will let you know when she is here, if there's time I will even let you know we're on our way to the hospital. I will be shouting it from the tops of buildings. I cannot WAIT to have the ability to bend over and pick things up or drink water without feeling like I'm going to throw it back up or to wear pants that have a zipper in them.

So just know, I'm here, I'm still pregnant and when that changes, I will let everyone know. *End pregnant lady rant.* And to make up for the rant, I will share my belly profiles from 34 to 39 weeks, enjoy, I don't often allow pictures of me this late in the game.

Baby Girl's Blessing Dress

So it's not the best picture of the dress, but here's baby girl's little dress. I need to hand wash it and her bonnet but I am excited to see her wear it. I wanted her to wear something vintage (I don't think I have my blessing dress here or if I do I decided she could wear something different. Jeffrey wore a little suit my mom had made when she thought I was going to be a boy along with some vintage family shoes.) and I wanted to use one of my mom's baby dresses. She only has a few that she wore but one of them was handmade from an army parachute with hand embroidered flowers. I took it out to look at this last time, but forgot to ask her to let me borrow it. So I came up with plan B.

Etsy is full of awesome finds if you have time time and patience to look through thousands of listings. This little dress was on sale for $8. It was listed as clean and in like new condition. Some had small holes or tears in the dress that wouldn't have worked. But I spent four days searching for every combination of "vintage, white, gown". Let me tell you, there were a few that would have been so cute! But I couldn't justify spending so much on one little dress. I made the slip for it with a pattern I made from the dress and wanted it to extend a few inches with lace on the bottom. I still need to wash it and press it, but I still have time for that before we bless her.

Do you know that feeling when you picture something and then it turns out exactly the way you had imagined it? I know Cory gets that more and more often with his photography, but this is my version of that happening. From idea to reality I am proud of this little project!

Why am I so stuck on vintage? Both of her names are sweet little hand-me-downs and I thought it would be only fitting to have her blessing dress be the same. So to whatever little mother toiled and labored over this "like new" dress and bonnet I am very grateful. Their handiwork is not lost or under appreciated by me.

First Day of School

 We had a BIG milestone in the MacNeil house this week! The bean started Kindergarten! In a slightly smaller milestone, mommy had to learn to regularly get up before 9 am. We had breakfast where he told me about his dream (which was about Lego Batman) and then got ready for the day.

 So I tried to take the typical "first day of school, stand outside the door" picture but the sun was too bright and Jeffrey wouldn't look at me. Silly kiddo. But I just LOVE the look of little kids with HUGE backpacks and white socks and school shoes. It's adorable to me.

When we got to the school we went to the art room where all the kindergarteners meet before school. Their teachers come to get them and on the first day Jeffrey got a name tag and was very excited to line up with the other kids in his class and go. He blew me a kiss from the line and off he went. His teacher is already out in the hallway leading the kids on their way but the girl on the left is the student intern for his class.

The first day was great, no problem. The second and third days have been a little bit harder for him to get used to, he hasn't wanted to go when it was time to line up and go. One of the aids or the student teacher have had to wait and walk him up after. He LOVED class yesterday, got to play freeze tag, loved having lunch in the cafeteria, and playing on the playground. With Jeffrey it's just the change that gives him a little anxiety, he will get used to it and soon he won't even want me to stay, but we always have a few nerves whenever we start new things here in the MacNeil family.

Five Weeks!

So tomorrow will mark 5 weeks until my due date. I've been busy with final preparations and thank goodness my mom is here to help because I've gotten way too big to bend over for almost anything. While I am still panicked occasionally and have moments of worry, I am feeling much calmer and getting ready for baby girl to make her arrival. We got her blessing dress and slip finished and are planning to bless her at home when daddy comes to visit us all in the beginning of October. He's already been assigned several pictures this mommy wants taken and he's excited to take lots of pictures of her. Jeffrey is excited to finally see the baby and talks to her almost every day. He has been asking about when he was a baby and wants to know if the baby will do the same things.

So the plan is that my mom (and possibly sister) will accompany me to the hospital when baby is born. I might be able to send everyone a text while I'm in labor, but I'm not promising anything at this point, planning to go natural again. Cory may be able to be in the delivery room with us via Skype which will be pretty cool. I will give my mom a list of people to text and send a picture to after baby is born but I am not going to be making any phone calls for several hours after baby comes and I feel better. She can send any updates or news about baby after she's here. If I don't have your cell phone number or you aren't able to get texts or photos you might just have to wait for a while to find out baby's here. It's not to offend or exclude anyone but after Jeffrey was born all I wanted to do was sleep and my mom doesn't hear well on the phone so she won't be making calls for me. If you don't think I have your number let me know and we'll add it to our list. If everything goes well we're only in the hospital for 24 hours and so we'll have more time after we get home for calls and such and we'll update facebook and the blog as soon as we can with pictures (if anyone has Skype and wants to chat we'll put the little peanut on the webcam, it will be a live PeanutCam, haha!).

Meanwhile on Facebook a little while ago I said that I would give $20 to anyone who could guess what we were planning on naming the baby before she was born. No one guessed correctly yet so my $20 is still safe, but the offer still stands. If you want to play our little game and can can guess our vintage style name for baby before she's born you will be the proud owner of a crisp new $20 bill, or whichever one I have in my wallet at the time. (Here's the previous guesses: Clementine, Emma, Abigail, Eliza, Josephine, Louisa, Johanna, Elizabeth, Rose, Katherine, Victoria, Polly, Dinah, Hepzibah, Eleanor, and Rowan.) I'll give you a clue, the first letter is from the first half of the alphabet (from A to M). Maybe next week I'll give out another clue.

Panic at Seven Weeks

There are less than 10 weeks until this baby is set to make her appearance in the world (7 to my due date, though if Jeffrey's week and half delay is any indicator I may just have an October baby). And this momma is is FREAKING out! It's been 5+ years since I have changed a newborn diaper, gotten up for 12, 3, and 6 am feedings. I can't remember how to mix a bottle of formula, I never did figure out breastfeeding last time, how to fasten a car seat, and for some reason in my mind I don't have enough blankets. I AM, however, blessed with a vivid recollection of how painful it was to deliver a baby, the recovery process and the emotional toll of no sleep. Not only that, but I will have a 5 year old who is just starting kindergarten and will be jilted from the only child position to worry about on top of a husband who is halfway around the world.

I distinctly remember saying to Cory "I know things will be crazy and you will be deployed, but I really feel a sense of peace and know it's time for us to have another baby." I've decided whoever that woman was, she's a raving lunatic. I am so blessed that my mom is here and will be here for the next several months. (Even happier that there's no return date on her ticket, so if it all falls apart she can be here to help mop it up.) I just don't remember feeling this sense of panic when Jeffrey was born. Life does go on though, whether I'm ready for it or not, and I'm sure it will work out just fine in the end. I just have to keep in mind that women have been having babies forever and I'm not the only one who's ever thought that 5 or 6 more blankets might be useful to have.

Photo Session

 While we were back in Utah and I was still in my "cute" preggo phase (I've entered the "I'm always uncomfortable and getting bigger everyday" phase.) I decided to do some pictures of my bump. Since Cory wasn't here to take them I had to go somewhere else. The picture above is Jeffrey's 5 year picture. He was surprisingly into the whole photo shoot this time. He couldn't wait for it to be his turn to take pictures.

 This is actually my favorite picture ever! I wanted one with the two of us and the baby and it turned out just the way I pictured it. The little sash is something I got from etsy and will use in a photograph of baby once she's here and daddy can take a few pictures.

Our little family right now while daddy is gone. It's still weird to look at a picture of myself and see straight teeth.

Family Reunion

 We took Anna home and went to the Porter family reunion a few weekends ago. Jeffrey enjoyed the crafts all the kiddos got to make and being able to hang out with cousins and aunts and uncles he hasn't seen in several months (some in years!). Here are his pet rocks, the one on the right is a puppy and the one on the left is a baby. Uncle Steve and Aunt Sherri helped him paint and finish them since it was so hot and mommy was trying to keep cool.

 The kids also made paper rockets and then launched them from a launcher Uncle Scott made. Jeffrey didn't want his to be launched but he cheered and yelled when everyone else took a turn and let their rockets fly.

 With  such a whirlwind trip we had to bring along a lot of things to entertain Jeffrey during the 15-16 hour car trips. He knows a few of the rest stops by the treats they have. There's one in Kansas that has popped popcorn and was a mandatory stop both ways on the trip.

Here he was watching a movie and repeating all the lines to the previews. He's such a funny kiddo.

Our feet are firmly planted in Kansas for the next few months. With baby coming in 9 or so weeks and then a wee little girl to keep healthy through the winter we won't be making any more forays into the wide world until Daddy gets home.

Hi-Ho Silver! Away!

Jeffrey is a fun kiddo. When he decides he likes something he really gets into it. A few weeks ago he bought a toy gun and mask from a store. When Po (Grandpa Brown) commented that he looked like the lone ranger he asked who that was. I've been listening to old time radio podcasts on my iPod in order to fall asleep at night and one of them is a western show and is playing the entire series of The Lone Ranger. So on our way home from the reunion I played an episode for him. He LOVED it! He listened with his mask on and gun in hand, probably not too unlike kids who listened to the show during the original run. I am supposed to call him the Lone Ranger whenever he's wearing his mask and tonight after his bath he requested listening to an episode. As I write, he's on my bed listening to the iPod wrapped up in a blanket. I love my Jeffers, he has got so much personality and he makes me smile.

The Fourth of July

 So I love the fourth of July (and not just because it's my birthday). When I was little I HATED having a birthday on the Fourth. My parents always insisted on going to fireworks or lighting fireworks in our front yard and I was always indignant over the fact that they were not honoring my "No Fireworks on my birthday" edict. Maybe they, like I have now realized, thought that I would get used to them and they didn't want to have to miss out on everything just because they had a kiddo who was scared stiff at the sound of them.

Well they say karma exists and my friends I'm here to tell you it's true. Jeffrey doesn't like loud noises. So much so that at movies or public events he spends most of the time with his fingers in his ears or trying to get me to cover his ears from the sounds. I am going to just take headphones along next time and he can listen to music or something or earplugs so he won't have to be so nervous.

As you can see here, he threw a few snappers. He liked them but had to throw them with one ear plugged and the other against his shoulder. My friend thought it was funny so she took a picture (because I forgot my camera) so we could send to daddy.

We had a pretty good night and survived the fireworks intact. Every year he gets a little braver so maybe one day we can just watch without having to hide under a blanket. And yes we do match, I'm a sucker (teehee or maybe a seersucker) for matching and if daddy were here, he would have been matchy-matchy too!

The Solar System

 So for the last three weeks or so my niece has been here in Kansas with us. She has been awesome, she will play with Jeffrey while I take a nap every day and entertains him the rest of the time. She likes to be crafty and creative and so I gave her free reign of the craft room. She made her necklace and earrings just a few days after she got here.

 Jeffrey got this solar system to go with his Leap Frog Tag reader for his birthday. He is OBSESSED with the solar system now. He has listened to all of the facts about the planets several times and has even renamed our family after the planets.

 Dad is Mercury. I don't know exactly why but Jeffrey says "He's supposed to be little."

 Jeffrey is Saturn and he's the ringed planet. I've had to call him Saturn more than once.

I am Pluto. Once when I told him I wasn't even a real planet he offered to change me to Uranus. I told him I'd be Pluto.